A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation