So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
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4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.