As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks