my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.