if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
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me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years