If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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Admin smashed it 😂
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp