[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.