Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*