me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
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Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Breaking news:
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means