What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.