My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
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[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times