The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
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Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
“What movie?” 🤔
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.