i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!