*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
definitely did not do anything wrong
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.