Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
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So creative 😂
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Solving a traffic jam
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.