girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.