Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”