Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
The real reason evolution started..😂
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Chicken bread
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time