FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.