Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
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“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My support group can outdrink your support group.