If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Every BBC series about the universe.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…