me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
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Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.