“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
You Might Also Like
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie heโs gonna sleep through.
Him: Letโs make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it wonโt be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they wonโt know until they run out of snacks and redbull
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
At the rate at which my kidโs school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I quit dating because Iโm a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Donโt cook with kids if you donโt know how to season them.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.