the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
You Might Also Like
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.