*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I have many caverns
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
is nasa ok
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
The French word for sex is croissant.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️