Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
You Might Also Like
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
“HELP WITH CAT”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?