PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
You Might Also Like
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
The three genders
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!