Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
That time Alicia messaged me
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Planet of the Apps.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”