Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
i can’t wait that long
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”