Smooooooth
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I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more