My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
You Might Also Like
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?