[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Breaking news:
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.