explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?