Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
never ask a starfish for directions
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
every. time.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Mummies are just super modest zombies