ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
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Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.