My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
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I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
how to have an accident 101
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”