If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
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Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Now, where’s the sport in that?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket