idk flipping houses looks really hard
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The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Two types of dogs.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.