You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat