Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best