“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!