(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
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I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Dietest Coke
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza