Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Erm I’m gonna say no
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan