9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
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If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
listen closely
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.