As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.