It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
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excuse me
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it