this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
A new level of troll.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.