I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
My dad is at it again
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Covid like
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”