told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
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Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?