I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
You Might Also Like
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Meow
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.